This is NOT a recommendation to anyone, because I don’t know you and refuse to take the responsilbility for how the internet may or may not inspire you, that’s your own personal responsibility.
Now. My brain, is kaput. After too many years in excessive emotinal and mental stress, I’m fucked. I kept listening to friends that told me I wasn’t that bad off, and I neglected my own gut feeling, because I wasn’t aware of how I had been raised. I was raised in a way that made me attracted to serving toxic assholes.
I have lost the ability to process feelings, because my brain doesn’t have the capacity. If I make the mistake of feeling when sober, it goes all out of whack. I just shake, tremble, cry and all kinds of other things. Not from sadness or happiness, just from lack of cognitive energy, so it goes all over the place. Besides this, I also have memory issues, self-esteem issues in the inner dialogue, whos’ ever failing intent, is to kill me. It’s too late, I installed parachutes via NLP, that kick in and divert that dialogue into either the rationalizing of neurochemistry, or some hope for the future, and acceptance of where I am at the moment.
When I get high, the first 2-3 hour are like being smashed up against a wall. Pulling the breaks on my mind, is so painful, I regret going sober every time I have to readjust to my usual medical portioning, which is so little, I barely get high. What happens instead, is that the afforementioned issues simply vanish. When I smoke, I become a beautiful human being. I’m so good at this, people that know me, now think I’m sober when I’m high, and high when I’m sober. I can’t tell anyone, because then they switch sides and suddenly my progress is dangerous and they want me to go back to hell.
Another added bonus, now that I’m not just escaping or enjoying the smoke, is that my brain LITS UP! For real. I get access to my psyche, creativity and productivity like it used to be, many years ago, along with new things from the experience; humility, maturity, patience and hope. No one will ever take this away from me, unless they want me to go fully public and demand a new legislation to prevent suicide and other things. It is too late for people to try and negoitate me into a different point of view.
When I’m sober, my apartment gradually gets worse, because I’m cool with being a messy loser when I’m sober. When I’m high, I write down what needs to be done and get it all done, often in a single day. Few days ago, I took a 25 hours straight working in the PC. It was so interesting I simply forgot about time. The last time was when I painted my apartment. 26.5 hours straight, and only breaks to eat, smoke and toilet. I was two sunrises on that shift and was carrying furniture around most of the time in one hand, while painting in the other. When I’m sober, I can’t do more than two hours a day, and then I need a break for a day or two, or more. The last job I had, I showed up a bit high everyday and was told I was irreplaceable. I have also been celebrated for my memory skills while high, by people that now believe in me, because they think I’m clean.
I’m not the only one who feels this way, there are more, but this aspect never really reaches any debates. Once I get things into a proper balance, the plan is to replace weed with a solid lifestyle, but to get that into discipline, requires weeks of daily smoking. The reason is that I have to stay in balance long enough for things to become automatic. If I take a break, I can’t even remember to fetch that fitness plan, it just somehow vanishes and the next day I’m like “Ahh yes, I was going to work out.” Three days later, nothing. I’m always about to do it, but my brain just shuts off and floods in half ready ideas I can’t dissect, they flee the minute I try to understand them better.
My past was shite, my present is a challenge and my future will be very hard and even more awesome.
Cheers!
The Cause And Cure To All Illness 